i do stupid things.

there are a few things about me that make no sense.

like the fact that when people start telling me i'm making a mistake, or that i should or shouldn't do something, i do the opposite, even if i know that it's not a good choice. 

i will literally do exactly what they don't want me to do just cus i don't want to listen to their advice or in some cases nagging. i know that they have my best intentions at heart. but i get pig-headed, stupid and stubborn. i've been doing this since i was little. my parents would tell me to do something over and over and over again, so i'd do the opposite just to spite them.

and now.. well i do it to my friends. and im not proud of it

but the more you tell me to do something, or not to do it.. makes me want to do the complete opposite...

i can't explain why. i just do it without thinking about how it may effect me later.

everyday is saturday night, but i can't wait till sunday morning.

well. i've decided to start a journal. now i've tried this many a-time before with mediore results at best. the reason generally being that i forget i have a journal and if i remember i have one i don't want to write everything down, that my dear readers is the reason i have a blog in the first place. everything in my life is changing at the moment. a person that i thought would be in my life forever is completely gone, and apparently.. never coming back. i did some things that im not proud of, but not ashamed of either, i guess you could say im okay that i did it, just not fully comfortable with it yet. i know that sounds very confusing, but thats just me. i refuse to say anything with too many details on this blog, just cus anyone in the world can read it. like my mom, if she ever figures out how to do more thanb shop online and check her email. i find that im kinda uncomfortable around a lot of people lately. and i'm keeping a giant secret that i will probably take to the grave. me and one other person know. and im rather upset at myself about this one. but i refuse to tell anyone. i don't know when this blog became my portal to the world. but i've been posting ambiguous secrets and hopes and dreams and nightmares here almost unknowingly.

i won't sleep a wink, i will turn to drink wondering what you're proving

well now.. i have no attachments to you...

except for ... well you know.

i dunno how this is gonna go.. and these ridiculous offers are kinda freaking me out

i'm not feeling like myself..

i feel rly awkward and weird in this new found me.

and i don't rly like it...

my IB procrastination is back guys... 

but im still done all my homework by a reasonable time :)

yay

i havent read a good book in a long long time.. and i don't think i'll be able to until we move.. just cus life is soo hectic right now

im busy all week.. and its kinda tripping me out.. im ridiculously popular lately...

i think i had to turn about 4 ppl down when they invited me to do stuff..

and honestly.. i don't rly like going out this much... i like being at home.. not cus im not outgoing.. 

but i feel most relaxed at home.. and going all the time gets sooo hectic.. i don't enjoy that.

i'm dancing barefoot, some strange music drives me.

i can't believe i didn't see that coming.

a week tops before it happens

and im blocked.. that's very uncool.

someone wants me to hang with him.. and a friend.. but by "hang" i do not mean hang out...

not gonna happen.. and if you get what i'm talking about... SHHHHHHHHH

i think i trusted you with much to much.. and ur not proving to me that i should have

in fact i think you did the exact opposite of what i asked..

so if im right. and you did what i think you did.

then i don't think i can forgive you. ever.

its too big of a deal. this is not some small things that i can just let slide..

so i hope for the sake of all my other friends.. and my reputation.. you didn't say anything.

baby, thats what love it for.

i figured out why i did it.

Pop 'N Share

i am sooo excited for tomorrow!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK

okay.

so im in a great mood, mainly cus of a guy, but thats a story for later.

for those who are still wondering i did in fact get into players, and im going to be playing the roles of Miller and Justinius in our production of The Canterbury Tales, by Jeffrey Chaucer.

Cassie, Alex, Melissa AND Katie are all sick.. so school feels rly rly weird...

im listenging to Nickleback right now

im tired

i should go to bed..

busy day tomorrow.. YAY

up yours

my parents are soo god-damned lucky that i would never swear at them

I AM SO ANGRY.

if i wanted your silly, pointless little lecture i would have asked.

i don't need or want your opinion. i want to be left alone. and i want what i want.

no questions asked. i am a stubborn little bitch when it comes to what i want when i want it. 

i will be a brat no matter what my age is. 

and no it doesn't matter how mature i normally am. i will have my fucking teenager moments.

don't ask me to calm down. or comply with your wishes. because i will do the opposite. 

always. 

you know me well enough to not give me any sort of ultimatum. 

cus i will do the punishment without question rather then give in. ever.

i will not apologize. 

or give you what you asked for.

i will be an annoying, immature, aggravating little brat until my last screaming breath if it means

sticking to my guns. 

digging a tunnel to china, oh please please keep me sane.

im in serious pissed off mode right now. i dunno what exactly it is thats bugging me... but it is

and when i figure out what it is, i hope i can fix it. the painters are in... and if you don't know 

what that means then go away. i already told cassie this. but i think the rest of the world should 

also know. i feel like scratching someones face off, and if someone says one thing that is off, i 

will snap. and it will not be pretty. i can't seem to concentrate on anything and my mind is being 

very slow, and one-track only. small things are upsetting me, and i don't want anyone to talk to 

me.especially if its to tell me their problems. i hate it when ppl tell me their problems when im 

having my own. just keep them too yourself, or write a blog like me. don't bother me with your 

every little problem, or big ones either. when im in a good mood i'm all ears, but don't even come

near me with problems if im in a bad mood, cus i will not have anything to say to you, and i will 

be using all my will power to not snap at you. 

sometimes i'm so happy that i can barely contain myself, and then days like this come around...

50.

if my heart was of stone and not glass

i would lift my eyes to the heaven above

and pray for the ability to be broken.

to be shattered is to have lived and given 

all that you have. the return is not so

lovely, but the reminense of life is still there.

read this if you wish. this is how i feel. and now i think im done

i realize that i could have been a bit more lets say "sympathetic" or "soft-worded" but you enjoy telling people the raw truth, so i thought maybe you could use a bit of your own medicine, and making up your own version of the story is not cool. yes i was very mean, but thats because i was sick and tired of your constant whiney, bitchy mood. yes i was very mean, very very very mean. but that does not mean i was angry. i just didnt have the patience to sit there and listen to you blame everyother person on earth for your problems while i tried to get your attention with whats really going on. just because you don't like what someone has to say does not mean that they are attacking you. im sorry for the fact that you can't take the truth and don't know how not to take things personally. but i do not apologize for saying all the things i did. i stand behind every single one of them. someone had to tell you the way that everyone around you is being affected, and it just so happened that i had some free time. and thats the mood i was in when i talked to you, i just felt like you needed to be told, matter-o-factly, and i was being cold because if i said it in a nice way you wouldnt have listened to me at all. me and cassie had already tried to talk to you nicely. but somehow it just flew right over your head. i had no other choice, cus im not one to sit by and wait.

i hate her. like a real, complete opposite of love, wish you serious illness, like the plague or anthrax, kind of hate.

i hate her, i hate her, i hate her. she ruined everything.. why the fuck did she have to be there that night? if she had never shown up in the picture.. this wouldn't be happening. we wouldn't be strangers. i want to fucking rip her head off. i've never been more angry at a human being in my life. and i'm not angered easily. i don't know why i didn't place any blame on her earlier. shes the worst type of human being. does she even know that she completely ruined something so huge, something so important to me? no. of course she doesn't, she's living her semi-charmed life with no guilt or regret, whereas i have a constant gnaw in the pit of my stomach because of her? i can't walk down a hallway or enter a room without a slight bit of nervousness. and it's all because of her and her stupid fucking hormones. i hope serious ill for her. i hope someone does this to her. because she deserves it. but i bet you my bottom dollar that it won't. her little 14 year old life will go on as she plans it in her mind. she'll have nothing more than a bitter-sweet break-up and a new bf 2 days later. bitch. uggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

im not a bad person, i swear, and normally i would never wish a person any harm. but for her? i'll make an exception, because had it not been for her my un-charmed life would be rather great at the moment. amazing actually. but i guess thats how life goes. and i gotta accept it. cus theres nothing else i can do. i really need to start writing in a diary. cus putting so much personal info on the internet is starting to make me paranoid.. and thats never good. 

so peace out net-whores. 

and love and happiness for everyone. 

p.s. except me.

but thats to be expected. nothing works out like i hope it will

p.s.s. in fact i should have never even let myself be so happy.

was it all a giant mistake? i rly hope it wasn't

i stopped letting it show, but that doesnt mean it's not there anymore.

have you ever noticed that the people who say they will never hurt you always end up hurting you the most? i wish people came with warning signs.. or expiry dates. so you would know when they are past their prime and will not be able to make you happy anymore.. its always hard having to find out the hard way.

gay boyfriend, gay boyfriend, i don't really care that you are queer!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

so something big hath happened... i think that we bought a house. 

its gorgeous. and huge, and not so far away that i can't come to QE, so yay for that!!

the completion date is March 31, so its not ours until then.

i'd just have to take 2 buses to get home, which isn't so bad, and my dad's gonna buy me 

a car so everything will work out!

ugh, so to explain just how weird ppl are at QE, Katie Nanka punched me in the box

and it HURT, like she hit me right on the pelvic bone... 

i should do my homework, which consists of nothing really, maybe 15 mins of concentration

i need to buy a yearbook, and some players wear, woot!

me and cassie are gonna get sweats that say "player" on the ass. its gonna be cool

oh yea! i didnt mention that i auditioned for the royal players, which is the drama company at QE!

Alex is already a member, and Cassie also auditioned, so lets see where this takes us, BAHAHAHA

like theres a chance we won't get in.. i've been in players before, and they love cassie.

spillage? haha, yes.. and wats ur name again? i forgot it...

so this is how its gonna be.

i am no longer the same old girl i used to be. these past 7-8 months have changed me a lot.

i will not allow you to walk all over me, i have something to say, and i will say it. 

if you do something stupid, i will make a comment. you had better believe that i have a sharper tongue than most could imagine, and im not shy with giving out a good lick here and there.

if you think im gonna be someone who laughs off insults you are seriously mistaken. 

and i will not, and i repeat not be intimidated by your stance, or way of saying something.

yes, im smart, but no. im not gonna help ur sorry behinds.

i had forgetten the extreme arrogance that some guys have, cus i was surrounded by intelligent

and mature-ish guys. but don't you worry. i will put you in your place. just you wait.

i think this is gonna be more fun then i signed on for, and im just too happy to accept the challenge.

its like i wanna stab you in the eye and then give you a lollipop

So! im finally back at QE. let the awkward, cool, funny, sad, and stupid times begin.

lets start this blog entry off with the fact that normal high school kids are a lot rowdier

than i remember. QE is a lot more crowded then i remember, my friends are just as cool

as i remember, if not cooler, the drama room still feels like home. being the teachers pet

is just as annoying, thank god im not it. it only takes 5 mins for me to get to school, its 

like heaven. the teachers feel serious distrust for anyone under the age of 19. textbooks

for Bio are very large. Socials 11 makes me miss history with Ms. G. the extra 15 mins in 

each block seems like an hour.. but no double blocks makes the day seem soo much shorter.

im in love with my commute. i love being able to watch TV after school with my younger sisters.

i love that i can join players. i love my friends. i love that my homework only took 45 mins.

sitting on the floor makes ur bum sore after a while. walking to school is refreshing. art 

class is a little haven for moi et mes amis. my backpack doesnt weigh 35 pounds.. thou my 

Bio textbook weights 13 lbs. tis quite scary. theres this guy and im pretty sure he likes me

but cassie and alex are doubtful. it doesnt matter thou. i don't like him, so if he doesn't like

me then it makes my life easier. cools ppls are in my socials class. tis amazing.